Fifth day of the fifth month

After several months of being MIA, I recently acquired some kind of a sudden urge to resume writing. It's funny, though, because all this while, it felt like I've lost all sorts of inspiration.. like there was no longer anything in my mind I could jot down to share. Anywho, somehow I was pricked at the back of my head and now words are spewing forth like there ain't no tomorrow.

I'm not going to lie to you for these past few months have probably been the most depressing time period in my life. A bit of hyperbole there, but it's almost very true. School is always the main concern for me (provided that I am a slacker, hence less diligent in school than I am expected to be). I incessantly fuss about how miserable school is and how it makes me feel... how it makes ME. Ironically, I'm making no effort whatsoever to at least try and escape this so-called misery. Why do I continue procrastinating? Why do I keep complaining over an issue I won't resolve? Why aren't I doing anything?! And then regret comes and hits me on the face.

Sometimes I ask myself if there's something wrong with me (I even questioned whether it was necessary for me to consult a psychologist). I know it sounds crazy, but I need to know why I'm never motivated to try hard. I believe it isn't the inadequacy or impediment of my intelligence, given the fact that I've successfully finished all of my school years on time (from kindergarten up to first year of university). Could it perhaps be my innate disposition of a sloth that has been widely distributed and is now damaging my entire intuitive complex? Yeah.. that's what I thought.

Doesn't it delight your heart when you're online on Facebook, checking out other people's profiles and photos (aka creeping)? It's even more fun when your friends are available to chat with -- and you talk about the most random, non-educative things (gossips) all night long. Now tell me, would you call it fun if you received an F on a 30% paper when your grade should have been a B+? Oh, it hits you like a dog, all right.

Earlier today, I was reminded of this verse:

"Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men..." ~ Colossians 3:23

I think of this verse and I take a step back and make a connection to my studies. Why do I go to school? Why and for whom do I study?? You know, all this time I've been in school, it rarely crosses my mind that God is involved. I mean, how does He get into my studies? That's partly the reason why I'm slacking off so much: because I always think about myself. Actually, no... I only care about how my life is THAT particular moment I procrastinate. A few more hours pass me by and that's when the remorse begins. And then the cycle goes on tomorrow.. and the day after, and the day after the day after tomorrow, and so on.

I often think, what motivates me? What can I do to stimulate my brain to study and get my ass on the chair?

Holly-da-da-DAZE!

I can already smell Christmas from here! I haven't done any updates for a month! It's mostly lack of inspiration, I suppose.

School's been a hectic, pain in the ass, so I am gratefully thankful that it's the holidays. My marks are suffering big time and I would hate to discuss that matter on my blog. Can anyone please tell me why school is such a delicious recipe for depression.

On another note, I am mighty excited for Christmas!! I don't have any big arrangements planned out, but the snow and all-around Christmas spirit make it super exciting. My family and my aunt's are having a Christmas dinner, however, on the 25th =). As for New Year's, I still don't know where my family is planning to go, but I'm sure it'll be fun!

What are you guys doing for the holidays? =D

Speaking of New Year's, I have to get on my resolutions. I didn't make any for this year, so I'll try making one for next year. Hopefully I get to keep them all. Haha..! I'm not going to make this post long, so I'll end it here.

For those who celebrate it, I wish you a very jolly Christmas!! And for those who don't, have a safe and marvellous holiday!

Love your lives and others, and always live in love.

Much love and God bless,

Hazel

"While they were there, the time came for the baby to be born, and she gave birth to her firstborn, a son. She wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a manger, because there was no room for them in the inn." ~ Luke 2:6-7

Your Love Never Fails

This song perfectly fits my current situation. It's amazing.

Your Love Never Fails - Jesus Culture

Nothing can separate
Even if I ran away
Your love never fails

I know I still make mistakes, but
You have new mercy for me everyday
Your love never fails

You stay the same through the ages
Your love never changes
There may be pain in the night
But joy comes in the morning
And when the oceans rage
I don’t have to be afraid
Because I know that you love me
And your love never fails

The wind is strong and the water’s deep, but
I’m not alone here in these open seas
'Cause your love never fails

The chasm was far too wide
I never thought I’d reach the other side
But your love never fails

You make all things, work together for my good

None But Jesus

In this life, nothing is sugary sweet...

Before I get ready for school, I feel burdened to post something to share with my readers. Lately, for these past few weeks, even for the last couple of months, I've been idle. Not only from my blog, but also from God. My daily devotions were becoming an obligation instead of a delighted routine I look forward to every single day. It wasn't just at home; even at church I felt His absence. You would know when He was far from you. You would. Imagine.. going to church to feel God's presence, but you come home feeling as empty as you went. Tell me how vain it must have been.
I know I'm being brutally honest in telling you this, but all of us must face it. In this life, nothing is always sugary sweet and smooth. Even the greatest people go through difficult situations and some of them may even fall into deep misery. Nevertheless, we must keep on moving forth in spite of the circumstances. The term "giving up" isn't listed in our dictionary.
What I've learned from this is our God is SO good. Indescribably good. He is loving and compassionate. He could've taken my life before I confessed my sins to him, but he didn't. He has let me live to this very day. I give him thanks and praise for every breath that I take.

Actually, one of the reasons for my indolence was caused by fear. Fear of adhering to His will. I was afraid he would withdraw from me what I loved most. It's happened to me more than once in such a brief time; I was in massive depression. It's very ironic, since I keep saying this and that about obeying and completely relying on Him. Yet I am struggling to overcome the same obstacle. I was not lying. But I didn't know how difficult it is to do until I fully experienced it myself.
It made me realize I was being selfish, egotistical, greedy; only caring about MY needs, MY wants.. ALL mine. When you come to think about it, when was the last time you did something good for God? It doesn't have to be amazing.. just good.

This wouldn't be so hard to do if you had nothing you wanted to retain; if everything was going satisfactorily 'according to plan'. So when the time comes, you take a step back and hesitate on the decision you have made. "Wait... you're telling me to do what, God? There's no way I'd give that up. No way."

He gave us His Son. His Treasure. Himself.

Image from Google Images

Here is a verse that I found during my morning devotion:

"What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ."

~ Philippians 3:8

Paul is such a great coach. I admire his faith and loyalty in Jesus Christ. Despite how cruel and nasty of a sinner he was - condemning all Christians in his time - he was one of Jesus's most influential later apostles.

It's truly remarkable how one simple verse could change the way I fix my mindset. I was reminded of how beautiful His sacrifice was, and the fact that He, as my father, knows what's best for me. He has made everything/one to be just as good as He is. He has planned my life for my benefits. My desires, my demands, are nothing compared to what He has prepared.

You may know what to do, but He knows better. The best. 1 Thessalonians 5:17 says, "Pray continually." I hope all of you had a great Thanksgiving. I definitely have loads to be thankful for!


Much love,
Hazel