Fifth day of the fifth month

After several months of being MIA, I recently acquired some kind of a sudden urge to resume writing. It's funny, though, because all this while, it felt like I've lost all sorts of inspiration.. like there was no longer anything in my mind I could jot down to share. Anywho, somehow I was pricked at the back of my head and now words are spewing forth like there ain't no tomorrow.

I'm not going to lie to you for these past few months have probably been the most depressing time period in my life. A bit of hyperbole there, but it's almost very true. School is always the main concern for me (provided that I am a slacker, hence less diligent in school than I am expected to be). I incessantly fuss about how miserable school is and how it makes me feel... how it makes ME. Ironically, I'm making no effort whatsoever to at least try and escape this so-called misery. Why do I continue procrastinating? Why do I keep complaining over an issue I won't resolve? Why aren't I doing anything?! And then regret comes and hits me on the face.

Sometimes I ask myself if there's something wrong with me (I even questioned whether it was necessary for me to consult a psychologist). I know it sounds crazy, but I need to know why I'm never motivated to try hard. I believe it isn't the inadequacy or impediment of my intelligence, given the fact that I've successfully finished all of my school years on time (from kindergarten up to first year of university). Could it perhaps be my innate disposition of a sloth that has been widely distributed and is now damaging my entire intuitive complex? Yeah.. that's what I thought.

Doesn't it delight your heart when you're online on Facebook, checking out other people's profiles and photos (aka creeping)? It's even more fun when your friends are available to chat with -- and you talk about the most random, non-educative things (gossips) all night long. Now tell me, would you call it fun if you received an F on a 30% paper when your grade should have been a B+? Oh, it hits you like a dog, all right.

Earlier today, I was reminded of this verse:

"Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men..." ~ Colossians 3:23

I think of this verse and I take a step back and make a connection to my studies. Why do I go to school? Why and for whom do I study?? You know, all this time I've been in school, it rarely crosses my mind that God is involved. I mean, how does He get into my studies? That's partly the reason why I'm slacking off so much: because I always think about myself. Actually, no... I only care about how my life is THAT particular moment I procrastinate. A few more hours pass me by and that's when the remorse begins. And then the cycle goes on tomorrow.. and the day after, and the day after the day after tomorrow, and so on.

I often think, what motivates me? What can I do to stimulate my brain to study and get my ass on the chair?