Gentle and quiet spirit??

I should already be deep in my sleep instead of writing this post, but I thought I would get it over with while it's still fresh in my mind.

OK.

I WILL SHUT UP.
From now own, I won't say anything unless it's necessary.

It's yet another one of my "slip-ups", I suppose. I reckon if I continue with this, it might just ruin my life. I don't know what it is with me, but sometimes I can't seem to keep my trap shut. I really wonder if this really is what constitutes my lack of friends. I can't help it! I don't know how!

In the midst of my remorse, I was reminded of this verse:
"Do not let your adornment be merely outward—arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel— rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God."

Ha, yes, both the things I am not.

I am neither gentle, nor am I the slightest bit quiet.. at least not around my friends/the people I'm familiar with. At group meetings, I do not hesitate to express my opinion, without thinking twice. In daily conversations, I do not hesitate to ask rash questions and/or make unnecessary remarks without thinking thrice. I hate not being able to be quiet. I hate making stupid comments and asking silly questions. I hate acting smart when in reality, I'm making myself look dumber by the second.

I resorted to my old Facebook posts when I would strike up status conversations with other people and I thought how freaking, FREAKING stoooopid I was back then! I mean, I still feel that way now at times when I'm usually too late to realize the damage has been done. I wanted to act smart and strong when I really wasn't.

Beauty is skin deep. Cliche, but it's probably true. It doesn't matter whether you adorn yourself with jewellery, nice clothing, or even exceptional intelligence – it's the insides that count. I've been too proud with myself. Pride has driven me deeper into the gutter. I've lost good friends, my relationships have been strained, and keeping up with it would lead me into more trouble. I don't know how many people I have hurt through my actions, and how much beeswax about other people I have probed into.
If you happen to have witnessed this careless and shameful endeavour of mine, I AM SORRY. And if you happen to be the one(s) I've hurt, I apologize from the bottom of my heart.

There are still a few things on which I need more clarification, but what I DO know is that this is NOT my character. It's not who I really am. I am not this kind of person. The aforementioned behaviour is simply a product of my experiences – what I have been through in life. I used to vehemently refuse to be viewed as a weak person, especially since I am a woman. No, I am not a feminist. But I hated the sexist and gender stereotypes people make when specifically comparing men and women. The remarks I've heard, seen, and taken in are the catalyst that has "helped" me in developing this new persona, which I am indubitably starting to despise.

But I concur.

I, as a woman, should assume the quiet bench. Why? Because it's the right darn thing to do. No, it's not because women are weak, but it is our ability to stay quiet in the midst of turmoil that determines our power.
Listen more, talk less.

A dear lady by the name of Eleanor Roosevelt once said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
Do as you will with this quote, but I have my own piece of mind. You are who you think you are and you don't need to justify it with mere talks. You need only prove yourself TO yourself. Real ladies don't show off. Real ladies exude. I think that's all it takes to prove who you really are.

>>Seriously, I make too many promises on my blog that I don't even remember writing.<<

Let us all remind each other how important it is to be who we are without trying too much. While you reflect upon this post, it's time for me to get back on the books.

Remember, read a lot, listen carefully, and speak only when necessary.


Cheers,