I have been trapped in a kind of "transgression". I'm sure most, if not all, of us have done it at least once in our life time (unless you are a total hermit with no social life whatsoever). This vice has an enticing name - it is GOSSIP. I'm not going to go into the definition of the word, on the presumption that everybody already knows or has heard the word a million times and become familiarized with what it means. The point of this entry is neither to give you a lecture on gossiping nor the etymology of the word. I'd simply like to share my personal story and experience in this matter. Gossip. The question is no longer "who does it?", but "who doesN'T do it?" For all I know, I'm guilty as charged.
I was a person who loved everybody. My friends would call me "a people's person". I was happy, perky, cheerful, carefee, and I always tried to look on the positive side of things. But as I grew older, I started encountering sadness, pain, hatred, betrayal, distrust. My inner self was slowly and deliberately closing in - on people and on myself. I grew to open my eyes wider and see the world through a different conviction. I began to be more vigilant and guarded. My mouth was no longer as free to laugh. I felt as if something had taken away the smile I used to screen on lips every so often. I don't know what had happened to me. I was transforming. Yes, maybe it was my time to mature, to lose my childish ways and attributes. But somehow something didn't feel right. Something was missing. I was changing into a new being who is not me.
Only last year, the time came when the most hurtful thing that could ever happen to me, happened. Somebody indirectly hurt me. Though it was indirect, the consequences of their action hurt me so much that I couldn't help but to abhor the person. At first I tried my hardest to forget and put it behind me, so I might take it in nicely. I kept my mindset as positive as possible. But the more I remembered, the pain gradually worsened with time, like scabbing a fresh, open wound repeatedly. Like an aggressive set of teeth gnawing on my heart bit by bit. I was so hurt, the pain had drained dry my tears and there were no more tears to cry out. Ever since this incident, I subconsciously blamed them. I blamed them for almost every wrong in my life. In my relationship. Subsequently, it was obvious to tell that they were trying to fix their mistake. They pretended like nothing happened. I am not that kind of person. I forgive, but I can't forget. It's not because I don't want to, but it's impossible to forget something so painful as that. As a result of this bitterness I have toward them, I turned nasty. The best to describe it would be to imagine a virtual metaphorical cat fight. As an act of self-preservation to alleviate the pain, I would go to my friends, mildly accusing the person who has turned my world upside down in the most horrible way behind their back. I would divulge all the bad things they did as if I knew everything about them, even though we were never "friends" and I had never got close to them to really know who they are and what they are like. Maybe what I said about them had been true, but I had no proof to confirm. With whatever guilt I felt, I evaded every warning notice that came to mind and continued talking trash about them to my other group of friends. I had intended to make them look bad in front of everybody I know - and maybe ones they know as well. I never cared. They hurt me. And I loathed them for that.
Then this reminder dawned on me: you reap what you sow. You will reap what you have sown. A series of unfortunate events recently befell me. My mind is brought to this thought. PERHAPS, this is an outcome of what I have done. I bore false witness to someone's life and past deeds. Although they were not exactly a good person in my eyes, I've committed my own crime and the aftermath is now affecting my life. As an allusion to the bible, I will show you a verse in Galatians 6:7, which says. "A man reaps what he sows... Whoever sows to please their flesh, from the flesh will reap destruction..." And what have I sown? Seeds of hatred and revenge that I've held on to for a long time. What will I reap? You do the math.
May I remind you once more that I am human. Sure, I have an album full of joyful worship songs and I do all kinds of ministry in the church. BUT, I am human. I am a million miles far from perfect. I have flaws and I make mistakes. I have thoughts and feelings. And when my feelings get hurt, it's a humanly natural response to react. Again, I should say that I am in no way proud of myself for admitting this, however, it is one way for me to liberate myself from the hurt and guilt that have been haunting me until this very day. I know time heals. I will forgive. I will forget. I will recover. I will get over this someday. Presently, I will try to keep my mind positive and strive forward to greater things ahead. Don't let the past hamper you from living your life.
As a supplementary note, I'd like to add: IF YOU ARE READING THIS, I forgive you. I don't know when I'm going to forget, but I assure you I will. Please forgive me for what I've done. Your reputation now may not be as good among my friends, and it's entirely my fault.
DISCLAIMER: What I have just written is NOT about a failed relationship or a preceeding break-up.
"With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings, who have been made in God’s likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers and sisters, this should not be. Can both fresh water and salt water flow from the same spring? My brothers and sisters, can a fig tree bear olives, or a grapevine bear figs? Neither can a salt spring produce fresh water."
~ James 3:9-12
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